hmmmm

I've never really had a blog before. I used to fiddle with a live journal account but never to much success past a little ranting and fruitless updating.

perhaps this next endeavor will be more successful. if so, I am excited.

My day was excellent. Full of warm weather and bright colors and a ruined shirt thanks to acrylic paints and Marshall oils. A day where outside of everything I felt singularly myself at all times, and I smiled a great deal for small reasons.

I've been thinking much of people. Everyone around me seems alien sometimes, and it's great fun to start picking them to pieces and try to insert myself inside their head, understand their thought process and motivations. Speculate at their aspirations, their wildest dreams. Their fantasies. Worded incorrectly I'm sure that sounds terribly creepy but I find it fantastic and quite fun. Truthfully that's why, when I'm awake and aware enough to do it, I love working somewhere where people come to sit and interact. I like seeing how they do it. I still don't understand it, for most of my social activity feels forced and uncomfortable, like I'm overplaying a part that was meant for a subtler actor. The more I learn to stay quiet until I can really think of what it is I am trying to say the happier I am.

There's another thing about everyone around me...it's the proximity. All these lives, these hearts, these dreams, these failures. They exist so closely smashed together that it's astounding society has room for more of any. I get the urge to interrogate my teachers and coworkers occasionally, ask them who they are, what they want, what they used to want, who they loved, who broke them, who built them, their favorite color, their darkest secrets. I have this rampant desire to know and understand absolutely everyone, for no one person is the same as the next. However similar the patterns our lives take the tiny details skew the graph indefinitely.

But these questions cannot be asked freely. So I watch and gather information on my own. And believe it or not, I'm becoming able not to judge. I truly have no desire to share with these people, I just want them to share with me. I find I only truly feel affection when my desire to know is coupled equally with the desire to tell.

Humanity, I love you.