Monday, January 12, 2009

Some days I feel like I am changing so quickly I cannot recognize myself.

Today was relaxing, a good day for thought. I painted for three-quarters of it, the other fourth spent typing an English writing exam. I had a small revelation about my childhood, involving my obsession with sunflowers and a forgotten memory that may have never actually occurred. But perhaps I'll post that later, it's a rather long recollection and my hands are extremely sore from guard practice.

Dad is in Atlanta on his final interview. I hope the job comes through for his sake and mother's. I cannot bear to think how the cracks in the foundations will widen if it doesn't. I do not want to see his face in defeat, again. He deserves better. He is better.

Currently, I'm satisfied. But numb. I keep having moments where I want to spring around screaming and shouting to give myself something noisy and energetic to do with my time. I dreamed of sunshine and airplanes and kissing someone last night. I woke up heart pounding to a dark, silent room and a dark, silent house. I feel empty and without passion, refusing to accept this is how things are.

Is it alien to be a girl who doesn't date? I want love, and romance, and passion. I spend too much time thinking on it, honestly. But over the past few months I've had too many chances to fall into a relationship-all with decent, dependable boys who'd be nice enough and maybe even amazing. But I keep ducking the advances and acting like the lingering hugs at the end of a hangout aren't noticeable, gently letting people down and hoping to not lose friendships. There's only one I feel any desire to hold onto, and I'm starting to be convinced that save a total loss of his senses he feels and wants no such attraction to me. Which is livable, in honesty, for I would prefer a friend these days to a tumultuous six or nine months, maybe a year or two, to be followed by heartache and angry words. And this boy, well I'd rather save him that pain. It'd be hard to convince myself I could make him happy.

These romantic wishes and fantasies aside, I'm starting to find the ability to enjoy my time alone, something that has eluded me since I was young. I'm reveling in it, actually. It's nice to know I can like myself enough to need no one else around. Or ask anyone else's advice.

I made extreme headway on a painting today. I've never painted before, and I'm excited at the newly acquired skill. I'm enjoying myself. It's a fine way to tune out the mess in my head, relax a little. I'll post a picture when I'm finished-I haven't been this excited for something since my first roll of film freshman year. I only regret not finding this joy sooner. But such is life. I think I may not have been ready for it a year ago.

I want to go on an adventure.

"Let's get out of this country" by Camera Obscura

Let’s get out of this country
I’ll admit I am bored with me
I drowned my sorrows and slept around
When not in body at least in mind
We’ll find a cathedral city
You can convince me I am pretty

We’ll pick berries and recline
Let’s hit the road dear friend of mine
Wave goodbye to our thankless jobs
We’ll drive for miles maybe never turn off
We’ll find a cathedral city you can be handsome I’ll be pretty

What does this city have to offer me
Everyone else thinks it’s the bee’s knees
What does this city have to offer me?
I just can’t see
I just can’t see

Let’s get out of this country
I have been so unhappy
Smell the Jasmine my head was turned
I feel like getting confessional
We’ll find a cathedral city you can convince me I am pretty

What does this city have to offer me
Everyone else thinks it’s the bee’s knees
What does this city have to offer me
I just can’t see

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